Not sleeping

After 1 AM. I laid in bed for exactly 45.3 minutes. I couldn't take the thoughts running around in my head any more, and I can't take the stuff to help me sleep every night, and I've taken it the past 2 nights. My mother will take it away if she realizes how bad the sleeplessness is getting. Thats right guys. I think I might have a problem. I'm nocturnal. I sleep in the morning and am up all night.

Who even needs to sleep any way? Isn't that what coffee and Gatorade are for? To keep us awake and "rejuvenate" us? I'm just kidding. I know I need sleep. But I can't sleep when I don't know what to do, and when things don't go right. Right now, things are going the opposite of right. in fact, they're kind of going wrong. I have so much work to do. So many things to worry about. I know I should look at the bigger picture and be optimistic about everything. It's night though. I feel alone. And confused. And hurt. And abandoned. And I don't know why I feel that way.

I should be happy. I should be tired from my busy day. I should be relaxed, and not have problems. But no, I let the problem back into my life. and now its his move, and I'm waiting. I can't sleep when I'm excited or nervous. When I was little and it was Christmas Eve my parents would put us to bed later than usual, and I was so excited about Santa I barely slept at all. The night before I went to my first formal dance I went through all my outfit pieces at least 6 times, and slept for about 4 hours. The day before my audition for the show I'm in I practised all night and couldn't sleep at all.

So...hello today. April 10th in case you were wondering. I'm waiting for a boy to make it worth my while to forgive him again. I'm waiting for my best friend to tell me about the college she checked out. I'm waiting for Summer. I'm waiting for life to start, because its all sleeping. I'm waiting for my heart to piece itself back together again. I'm waiting for a lot. So, I'm not sleeping.

I just realized how random and off topic this post was. Its just a train of thought though, so its okay. I'm allowed to use this blog to write down the things going on in my head. About lack of sleep, waiting, everything.

Love from hanhan =]