Not sleeping

After 1 AM. I laid in bed for exactly 45.3 minutes. I couldn't take the thoughts running around in my head any more, and I can't take the stuff to help me sleep every night, and I've taken it the past 2 nights. My mother will take it away if she realizes how bad the sleeplessness is getting. Thats right guys. I think I might have a problem. I'm nocturnal. I sleep in the morning and am up all night.

Who even needs to sleep any way? Isn't that what coffee and Gatorade are for? To keep us awake and "rejuvenate" us? I'm just kidding. I know I need sleep. But I can't sleep when I don't know what to do, and when things don't go right. Right now, things are going the opposite of right. in fact, they're kind of going wrong. I have so much work to do. So many things to worry about. I know I should look at the bigger picture and be optimistic about everything. It's night though. I feel alone. And confused. And hurt. And abandoned. And I don't know why I feel that way.

I should be happy. I should be tired from my busy day. I should be relaxed, and not have problems. But no, I let the problem back into my life. and now its his move, and I'm waiting. I can't sleep when I'm excited or nervous. When I was little and it was Christmas Eve my parents would put us to bed later than usual, and I was so excited about Santa I barely slept at all. The night before I went to my first formal dance I went through all my outfit pieces at least 6 times, and slept for about 4 hours. The day before my audition for the show I'm in I practised all night and couldn't sleep at all.

So...hello today. April 10th in case you were wondering. I'm waiting for a boy to make it worth my while to forgive him again. I'm waiting for my best friend to tell me about the college she checked out. I'm waiting for Summer. I'm waiting for life to start, because its all sleeping. I'm waiting for my heart to piece itself back together again. I'm waiting for a lot. So, I'm not sleeping.

I just realized how random and off topic this post was. Its just a train of thought though, so its okay. I'm allowed to use this blog to write down the things going on in my head. About lack of sleep, waiting, everything.

Love from hanhan =]

THOU SHALT NOT....

It should be a law, it should be posted in every hall, on every door, imprinted into everyone's mind and actions. This thing that I am speaking about should read like this:


THOU SHALT NOT PLAY WITH THE EMOTIONS OF PEOPLE

Why should this be a law? simple. Because it hurts. Because it's cruel. Because it isn't fair to raise some ones hopes up to the very sky and let them crash around her. Three times. Thats right guys. I let the same guy play me numerous times. The first time was the cheating thing. The second was the dumping me on facebook thing. The third time was tonight. You cannot be friends with someone whose broken you before. And when you let that some one draw you in, promise you things, and then cruelly take them away?

Well...Its never pretty. That's what happened tonight, so I pulled out all of my healing tricks from before. I used to think that the answer for everything was moping until everything worked out. I was wrong. The trick to pulling yourself up again is going ahead and being a girl.

I thought the reason he didn't want me, several times was because I wasn't pretty enough. So tonight I soaked in hot water for half an hour and did my toes. I thought he didn't want me because I was too available. So I've gotten pretty busy taking care of myself. I thought he didn't want me because of my obsession with Show tunes and Country Music. Tonight I listened to Alternative.

While I was sitting around. I realized how STUPID all this was! Why would I want to be someone he would like when I could get anyone else? Of course I'm hurt right now. Of course its killing me. Of course I really really want to disappear. None of this is gonna happen though. I got to be a big girl this time and suck it up. Before I go, let me leave one last note... THOU SHALT NOT PLAY WITH THE EMOTIONS OF PEOPLE. Suck on that gentlemen.

Love from hanhan =]

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The best thing in the entire world are those people that can brighten your day no matter what. Just a little thing they do can make you smile for hours and not hate the entire population of the earth. These people are the reason that right now, I'm happy and not miserable any more.

Today was a bad day. I graded math with my mother, was "taught" math with my father, and let me tell you, neither experience is remotely enjoyable. I left the house for Sunday mass, crying and miserable and hating everyone. Hate is not a comfortable emotion for me, it's exhausting and bothersome. So I was really glad when I came home, and one of my favorite people called me.

Sometimes the little things are what makes or breaks your day. Joking around with this kid, and then talking seriously later, just made me so happy. I'm not angry any more. I want to hug my parents and tell them I didn't mean to be so nasty. I want to hug everyone and tell them I love them.

Dear person, (You know who you are), Thank you for making my day so much better. You rock my socks =3

Love from hanhan =]

A question

Here's a question for you people today. Its something that's often on my mind, something I tend to wonder about probably more than I should. The question for the day is, why do we go after people who don't want us? More importantly, why do we let those people hurt us, when they don't want anything to do with us?

I bring this up because it tends to happen a lot. One of my friends use to chase after this guy who had done nothing sweet for her. She would tell us these little things he had done, almost a year ago, and that's why she still loved him. In the end we all knew the real reason she felt the need to get him back. She felt as if she couldn't do any better. Now this friend has a new boyfriend who's sweet, and nice and everything she wished the other guy had been, and she's happy, because she learned to let go.

Now. I used to tell this friend all the bad things this guy had done, to try to help her get over him. Back before I had been hurt by guys, in my blissful innocence. Today though, I realise how stupid that was, and how much it must have hurt to be her. Because today I realised how much I miss him. I know I shouldn't. I mean, why would you miss someone who after three months dumped you on Facebook, and left you for someone who...was your total opposite?

Well now I'll return to the question. WHY? Why do we intentionally hurt ourselves and put ourselves through all the pain for someone who could care less about you? I used to tell my friends that the only people who should matter are the people you matter to. But right now, I'm fighting so hard to matter, to be missed, to be wanted back, by someone who is no good for me anyway.

One day maybe I'll learn. Maybe we'll all learn that we're worth so much better. But right now, my theme song's gonna have to be "Hopelessly Devoted" from GREASE.