I really like riding my bike. I love the way the road disappears under my tires, the feel of my muscles straining to push the pedal around and around. It makes me feel calmer, takes out my aggression, and gives me a sense of control. Generally, on my bike rides, the sun is up, and shining, and I'm on my way to do something productive( aka library trip/thriftshop trip/7/11 run, basically nothing productive.) But tonight I went at night. Because at night, everything is so much more real, and all your senses are heightened. I went with no goal or destination or anything.
Its funny, because in the day, you think everything is more awake and alive and active, and the night is sleepy and creepy, a time for ghosts and things that jump out from behind buildings screaming "BOO!". In reality, night is so much more friendly. Its peaceful, and quiet at first, but don't let that fool you. When you listen carefully, and open your eyes, its so full of life and noises and sights and feelings. The cool air, frogs hopping all over the street, snail trails in moonlight, shimmering as if to tempt you to follow them. The noises of crickets break the otherwise eerie silence, and make the night welcoming, chirping in a chorus as if to tell all of the silly humans that they don't need our attention to put on a marvelous show.
And then, you look up.You're allowed to do that at night, as the sky is much kinder to your eyes after the sun goes away. The stars will catch your interest, sparkling and twinkling, or shining constantly down on you. Make a wish, look for shapes, shooting stars, fireflies. Then look to the moon. The moon changes every day, sometimes less, sometimes more, sometimes completely gone, sometimes a full, pale, silvery circle hanging n the sky. There's a bunny in the moon, see if you can make it out. Or a man. Use your imagination.
Welcome the night. Its enchanted to meet you.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Bullying.
Okay, so I need to discuss something.
I used to know this group of girls when I was younger. When I was nicer, more trusting, more insecure and awkward. These girls seemed to find that being mean to me because I was homeschooled and awkward and actually did my best and tried, was funny. Anything I did, they'd point out in cruelest way, and I, not knowing what I did to them to make them dislike me, would go home crying. They'd make fun of me for that too. I was not a graceful transition from adorable child to acceptable teenager/young adult. I wasn't socially awkward, I was just nice to people, whether or not they liked me, whether or not they had any other friends.
My mom used to tell me that they were just jealous, or that they must have had a bad day, or something like that. She used to say I'd feel better and they'd be nice later. And I kept hoping they would. I tried every day, to be nice, give out more chances, not cry before I got in the car. But they'd always find something (My feet, my braces, my hair, my homeschool-ness, the fact that I wouldn't gossip, I liked books, whatever) or do something just to make me unhappy or uncomfortable. This happened several times a week, for 3 years. Three years I cried so much, and lost little pieces of myself to their teasing, pieces that were very hard to get back.
People always tell you, "It'll get better!", or "You'll learn how to deal with it!" Neither of these are true. Those people, those bullies, may never get better. And its not your job to learn how to deal with it. You just have to get through it, and keep being yourself. One day you'll leave them, as they fake their way through life, tearing down other people because they don't like themselves. You, on the other hand, will be so much better than that, because you'll do what makes you happy.
I saw some of these girls a few weeks ago for the first time in 4 years. I'm not as awkward now, I've become myself again. It was funny, at first they didn't even recognize me. When they did, the looks they shot me could have killed. But I didn't care, not at all.
I used to know this group of girls when I was younger. When I was nicer, more trusting, more insecure and awkward. These girls seemed to find that being mean to me because I was homeschooled and awkward and actually did my best and tried, was funny. Anything I did, they'd point out in cruelest way, and I, not knowing what I did to them to make them dislike me, would go home crying. They'd make fun of me for that too. I was not a graceful transition from adorable child to acceptable teenager/young adult. I wasn't socially awkward, I was just nice to people, whether or not they liked me, whether or not they had any other friends.
My mom used to tell me that they were just jealous, or that they must have had a bad day, or something like that. She used to say I'd feel better and they'd be nice later. And I kept hoping they would. I tried every day, to be nice, give out more chances, not cry before I got in the car. But they'd always find something (My feet, my braces, my hair, my homeschool-ness, the fact that I wouldn't gossip, I liked books, whatever) or do something just to make me unhappy or uncomfortable. This happened several times a week, for 3 years. Three years I cried so much, and lost little pieces of myself to their teasing, pieces that were very hard to get back.
People always tell you, "It'll get better!", or "You'll learn how to deal with it!" Neither of these are true. Those people, those bullies, may never get better. And its not your job to learn how to deal with it. You just have to get through it, and keep being yourself. One day you'll leave them, as they fake their way through life, tearing down other people because they don't like themselves. You, on the other hand, will be so much better than that, because you'll do what makes you happy.
I saw some of these girls a few weeks ago for the first time in 4 years. I'm not as awkward now, I've become myself again. It was funny, at first they didn't even recognize me. When they did, the looks they shot me could have killed. But I didn't care, not at all.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
"After all this time?"
"Always."
Okay, so I don't generally like Alan Rickman, who plays Snape in the Harry Potter movies. His voice just really makes me irritated( I have this thing with voices, some I really like, and some have tthat quality I just have to deem atrocious.) I remember one time I was listening to a book read by him and I never liked it after that because of his voice. BUT.
HE WAS SO GOOD IN THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE I ALMOST COMPLETELY FORGAVE HIM FOR HIS ANNOYING VOICE. Seriously, it was probably one of the most heartfelt, real performances I've ever seen in a movie. it broke my heart to watch it, and yet I want to see it over and over again.
anyone wanna get me the movie as soon as it comes out/take me to see it again?
Anyone wanna bring me more Snickers ice cream bars? I ate an entire pack over two days.
Biked 19 miles, taught a swim lesson, cleaned half my house, tanned my stomach a shade darker than blinding white, ate Snickers icecream bars. SUCCESSFUL DAY.
Okay, so I don't generally like Alan Rickman, who plays Snape in the Harry Potter movies. His voice just really makes me irritated( I have this thing with voices, some I really like, and some have tthat quality I just have to deem atrocious.) I remember one time I was listening to a book read by him and I never liked it after that because of his voice. BUT.
HE WAS SO GOOD IN THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE I ALMOST COMPLETELY FORGAVE HIM FOR HIS ANNOYING VOICE. Seriously, it was probably one of the most heartfelt, real performances I've ever seen in a movie. it broke my heart to watch it, and yet I want to see it over and over again.
Anyone wanna bring me more Snickers ice cream bars?
Biked 19 miles, taught a swim lesson, cleaned half my house, tanned my stomach a shade darker than blinding white, ate Snickers icecream bars. SUCCESSFUL DAY.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
ocean.
Rushing swirling crazy twirling.
Ducking laughing screaming diving
whoosh, crash, boom, splash.
pulls you under, water blue, water green, sand, shells, crabs, feet.
Nature is stronger than you think.
Screams of fear, terror, delight?
Exhilarated to win this small fight.
Spin, stuck, trapped, safe,
Nature is stronger than you think.
Playing on the oceans edge, who are we fooling?
Danger is even here, lurking.
I love the thrill of the water.
Nature is stronger than you think.
Ducking laughing screaming diving
whoosh, crash, boom, splash.
pulls you under, water blue, water green, sand, shells, crabs, feet.
Nature is stronger than you think.
Screams of fear, terror, delight?
Exhilarated to win this small fight.
Spin, stuck, trapped, safe,
Nature is stronger than you think.
Playing on the oceans edge, who are we fooling?
Danger is even here, lurking.
I love the thrill of the water.
Nature is stronger than you think.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Thoughts from Places.
As I went on my rides with a bike stolen/borrowed from my cousin, I kept thinking about my mom, and her life there before me.
I went past the church where she was baptized, confirmed, married; where she was in weddings, and cried at funerals. I went past the cemetery where she watched her dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles be buried, where they would go from being pieces of her to some dusty old bones buried 6 feet under ground. I went past her high school and elementary school, where she grew up and learned about math and english, friends, rumors, boys. I met her friends from her “past life”, apparently my mother and I could have been twins.
I wonder if when she was growing up, she was like me. If she was trying to do that right thing, held back her tears too often, had inflated opinions of herself, worried about her future, laughed easily, read too many books, and wanted someone to need her?
Norwalk is small, one of the million little towns in America. It has 5 churches(I counted), a Firelands bank(called firelands because the land here was given to people from Connecticut whose homes were burned down by fire during a war.), small businesses, homes, families, schools, hair salons, moms, dads, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, pets. Everyone knows everyone, their history, business, secrets. Everyone has things to deal with, and a life to live.
Its different there. People say hello, and make a conversation when they sit on their front porch, whether or not they know you. Their “traffic” is when instead of being the only car at a light, there are 3. The closest anything is 25 miles away. People are content though, with small things and big hearts. They take care of each other. My mother is like that in every place we’ve lived. Maybe she learned it there. Maybe I’m like her in that respect too.
lovelovelove,
hanhan
I went past the church where she was baptized, confirmed, married; where she was in weddings, and cried at funerals. I went past the cemetery where she watched her dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles be buried, where they would go from being pieces of her to some dusty old bones buried 6 feet under ground. I went past her high school and elementary school, where she grew up and learned about math and english, friends, rumors, boys. I met her friends from her “past life”, apparently my mother and I could have been twins.
I wonder if when she was growing up, she was like me. If she was trying to do that right thing, held back her tears too often, had inflated opinions of herself, worried about her future, laughed easily, read too many books, and wanted someone to need her?
Norwalk is small, one of the million little towns in America. It has 5 churches(I counted), a Firelands bank(called firelands because the land here was given to people from Connecticut whose homes were burned down by fire during a war.), small businesses, homes, families, schools, hair salons, moms, dads, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, pets. Everyone knows everyone, their history, business, secrets. Everyone has things to deal with, and a life to live.
Its different there. People say hello, and make a conversation when they sit on their front porch, whether or not they know you. Their “traffic” is when instead of being the only car at a light, there are 3. The closest anything is 25 miles away. People are content though, with small things and big hearts. They take care of each other. My mother is like that in every place we’ve lived. Maybe she learned it there. Maybe I’m like her in that respect too.
lovelovelove,
hanhan
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