You really have to think about all the good things in life. And be grateful for them. You also have to think about the bad things, and see how little they are compared to the great things! If you look at my list that I made in fifteen-ish minutes, The bad things aren't that bad, and the good things are a much longer list.
Good things I love
Beautiful friends
Family
Chocolate
God
Youth group
Buffy the Vampire Slayer Marathons
Hot dogs for dinner
Coffee
Air Conditioner
Swimming
Smiles
Laughing
Babies
Dresses
No plans
Cats
Bad things
Having friends that are much too pretty
Doubting yourself
Not having exciting plans
Lack of coffee headaches
Babies crying
Being in a bad mood
Being sleepy
Love from hanhan =]
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
ahhh feelingss.
Friendships are weird. Feelings are weird. You can be so close with someone. You let them in, really let them in, trust them not to leave, everything. And then suddenly, everything changes, and they leave. When they're gone, suddenly, it feels like your heart is ripped a little, a little broken almost, and then you have to fix it.
SO you repair the little hole in your heart where they used to live. It gets better really really slowly, really painfully. You fill it up over time, so its basically okay, and you can go on with life as it was, almost. Its still there, but its patched up, and you're okay again.
Well, they come back. Once, twice, and leave, and come back, and leave. You keep trying to go back to them, but it doesn't feel the same. They don't fill the hole they made when they left any more. After awhile, you start to realize how you've stopped missing them, because they're different and so are you. There's no more going back to them. There's just...whatever. Then everything is okay. The End.
Love from hanhan =]
SO you repair the little hole in your heart where they used to live. It gets better really really slowly, really painfully. You fill it up over time, so its basically okay, and you can go on with life as it was, almost. Its still there, but its patched up, and you're okay again.
Well, they come back. Once, twice, and leave, and come back, and leave. You keep trying to go back to them, but it doesn't feel the same. They don't fill the hole they made when they left any more. After awhile, you start to realize how you've stopped missing them, because they're different and so are you. There's no more going back to them. There's just...whatever. Then everything is okay. The End.
Love from hanhan =]
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I want...
I want more from this world
than a boy who is "hot"
I want more from this world
than the stuff which is not.
I want too much to hold
And then too much to touch.
All I want in the end is
To feel real love.
And the sun won't set for me.
And the moon won't rise.
And the sky won't change colors
just to match my eyes.
I want more than a smile
Way more than a frown.
I want a middle between
Standing up and lying down.
I want power and painlessness
Happiness, no sadness.
Control over everything
that I can't even touch.
And the sun won't set for me.
And the moon won't rise.
And the sky won't change colors
just to match my eyes.
than a boy who is "hot"
I want more from this world
than the stuff which is not.
I want too much to hold
And then too much to touch.
All I want in the end is
To feel real love.
And the sun won't set for me.
And the moon won't rise.
And the sky won't change colors
just to match my eyes.
I want more than a smile
Way more than a frown.
I want a middle between
Standing up and lying down.
I want power and painlessness
Happiness, no sadness.
Control over everything
that I can't even touch.
And the sun won't set for me.
And the moon won't rise.
And the sky won't change colors
just to match my eyes.
PAIN
Ow. Pain. Agony. Sadness. Hurt. Ow. Ow. Ow. Somehow, I managed to burn the back of my legs. And that hurts. How do you burn the BACKS OF YOUR LEGS? Not the fronts, nothing else burned that badly, except for the BACKS OF MY LEGS.
So you spend the day at the beach. You even put sunscreen on. You're like, YEA! Let's FIX those tan lines! We're gonna be amazingly tan looking beautiful beach people! YEA! And your huge excitement eats you alive because you are gonna be amazingly tan with no more horrible tanlines.
Unfortunately things do not EVER go how you want them too. I'm nasty and red like a lobster. Everything hurts. a lot. But its okay, I got a new phone. BYE.
Love from hanhan =3
So you spend the day at the beach. You even put sunscreen on. You're like, YEA! Let's FIX those tan lines! We're gonna be amazingly tan looking beautiful beach people! YEA! And your huge excitement eats you alive because you are gonna be amazingly tan with no more horrible tanlines.
Unfortunately things do not EVER go how you want them too. I'm nasty and red like a lobster. Everything hurts. a lot. But its okay, I got a new phone. BYE.
Love from hanhan =3
Friday, June 11, 2010
Guilt.
Mistakes happen to everyone. Big ones, little ones, inconsequential ones, huge ones. Most people, when they make their mistake with someone else, feel a little bit of guilt. or concern. Some people are eaten alive with guilt, some are barely bothered with it. It usually depends on the situation, and the people involved.
Almost a year ago, I made a mistake with a person. I led them on to believe something that wasn't true, then pulled away from them when they needed me most. Everyday I think about this, and the guilt still pulls at some strings in my stomach. Other people found out what I had done, they also heaped guilt on me, in little ways. Reminding me of it, pulling away from me, not trusting me, getting upset with me, ignoring me even. I felt I deserved this, because I had made a mistake, and I hurt someone I cared about, and respected.
This went on for some time, the guilt trips everywhere, the disapproving glances, the self-hate. I was completely miserable and everyone knew it, and I didn't think I deserved to ever feel happy again after the betrayal I had made. Wallowing in guilt and being unable to help the person, I felt that I was meant to go on like this for a long time.
That was not the case. There comes a point where you need to see things clearer. You messed up, you do what you can to fix it, and you try to move on. You don't hate yourself forever because you, being human, have erred and caused pain. You cannot let the guilt trips people push on you consume your life, the glares you get cannot be the only way you're seen. As a person, you deserve so much better than to cause yourself pain over something that is unchangeable.
When the people give me the looks a disapproval now, even a year later, You have to learn to look past it, to smile at them, and to show them that you aren't the mistake that was made. to show you've learned from it. That how you grow, and learn to deal.
love from hanhan =]
Almost a year ago, I made a mistake with a person. I led them on to believe something that wasn't true, then pulled away from them when they needed me most. Everyday I think about this, and the guilt still pulls at some strings in my stomach. Other people found out what I had done, they also heaped guilt on me, in little ways. Reminding me of it, pulling away from me, not trusting me, getting upset with me, ignoring me even. I felt I deserved this, because I had made a mistake, and I hurt someone I cared about, and respected.
This went on for some time, the guilt trips everywhere, the disapproving glances, the self-hate. I was completely miserable and everyone knew it, and I didn't think I deserved to ever feel happy again after the betrayal I had made. Wallowing in guilt and being unable to help the person, I felt that I was meant to go on like this for a long time.
That was not the case. There comes a point where you need to see things clearer. You messed up, you do what you can to fix it, and you try to move on. You don't hate yourself forever because you, being human, have erred and caused pain. You cannot let the guilt trips people push on you consume your life, the glares you get cannot be the only way you're seen. As a person, you deserve so much better than to cause yourself pain over something that is unchangeable.
When the people give me the looks a disapproval now, even a year later, You have to learn to look past it, to smile at them, and to show them that you aren't the mistake that was made. to show you've learned from it. That how you grow, and learn to deal.
love from hanhan =]
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Needs/wants/loves/and all that crazy stuff.
In life, we all have those things that pull us back towards them, no matter how bad for us they are. People, things, places, they become an addiction, and need, a want so strong you feel like you can't deny it. These things, being bad, being WRONG, being everything we try to avoid give us two options: The first one is to let the need take over, let it/them consume you, and follow things things/people/places down down down and lose yourself in them/it. This is usually the path people take. Its easier, they say, than trying to break the addiction. And no matter how much they get hurt, or hurt others, they let it/them be their one and only focus.
The other option, the one less commonly used, is this: You break the addiction yourself. When that person pulls away, instead of crying your life away, you get over it. Instead of ruining your chances at life, love, and future happiness by doing things that aren't necessarily good for you, just STOP. Why would you hold onto something that doesn't want you/isn't any good?
It isn't easy, either choice. the second choice, as simple as it may seem, is difficult, and sometimes you fall off the wagon. Even I've messed up on that, going back to people who do nothing but hurt you. In time, with practice, you learn to be happy without them, without your crutch. You see other people you could be seeing, other things you could be doing. You even see yourself differently. You're strong now, because you don't depend on that crutch, that addiction to be happy.
Congratulations, you've taken a step towards maturity.
The other option, the one less commonly used, is this: You break the addiction yourself. When that person pulls away, instead of crying your life away, you get over it. Instead of ruining your chances at life, love, and future happiness by doing things that aren't necessarily good for you, just STOP. Why would you hold onto something that doesn't want you/isn't any good?
It isn't easy, either choice. the second choice, as simple as it may seem, is difficult, and sometimes you fall off the wagon. Even I've messed up on that, going back to people who do nothing but hurt you. In time, with practice, you learn to be happy without them, without your crutch. You see other people you could be seeing, other things you could be doing. You even see yourself differently. You're strong now, because you don't depend on that crutch, that addiction to be happy.
Congratulations, you've taken a step towards maturity.
Sometimes things seem right. Everything is going perfectly, except for that one little thing that's not. You do everything within your power to change it, but you can't change it. So you continually have that one imperfect thing ruin your perfection. You teach yourself to ignore it. That only works for a little while, a few weeks, a few days, you're almost happy. You've almost achieved your happy place.
That nagging feeling always comes back though, bringing with it other things that aren't right, that you've buried inside for your happiness. Suddenly, the world seems much less rosy. Things start to go wrong. Your version of perfect falls apart and you can barely see because, in your teary eyes, everything is wrong.
Slowly, things get better. Slowly, you recover. Slowly, you begin the process again. This is life as we know it. Its not always perfect, but its not always bad. You can't always float on clouds. You can't always wallow in your grief though. You have to keep moving forward, and repeating the process. Because that's how it works.
Love Hanhan =]
That nagging feeling always comes back though, bringing with it other things that aren't right, that you've buried inside for your happiness. Suddenly, the world seems much less rosy. Things start to go wrong. Your version of perfect falls apart and you can barely see because, in your teary eyes, everything is wrong.
Slowly, things get better. Slowly, you recover. Slowly, you begin the process again. This is life as we know it. Its not always perfect, but its not always bad. You can't always float on clouds. You can't always wallow in your grief though. You have to keep moving forward, and repeating the process. Because that's how it works.
Love Hanhan =]
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