I'm thankful for:

Leaves that look like flames

Houses with red doors

my favorite pen

the color of my grammie’s eyes

the shape of my mother’s

dresses that swish

little black shoes

My sisters’ smiles

My boyfriend’s hands.

My dad’s laugh

My brothers nerdiness

nicely done nails

warm coats

hot chocolate

hugs

friendly people

photo albums

comfy jeans

Bikes

hula hoops

pumpkin pies

interesting belts

adoptive family members

leather boots

good books

old things

a clean home

a messy room

nose dimples

laugh lines

Being catholic

exciting news

friends

fresh air

sun sets and sun rises

cute hats

baby smiles

love

life

faith

laughter.

But monster's aren't real, right?

I sleep with the closet door closed. It has to be closed or I can't sleep.

I sleep with my bedroom door closed. It has to be closed or I cant sleep.

I sleep under a blanket at all times. All of me under it, including my face, or I can't sleep.

But monsters aren't real, thats just a story told to children to scare them into staying in bed.

Right?

One night I let my foot out of the blanket, just to see. 

I imagined (I think) a giant spider crawling all over it, up to my face, coming to sink its teeth into my-

I woke up crying, and put my foot back someplace safer, shaking under my blankets.

But monsters aren't real, right?

One night, I left my closet door open by accident.

I kept imaging the clothes as people, coming to get me, a monster to scare me, ready to scream-

I screamed and shut the door. I watched it the rest of the night.

But monsters aren't real, right?

Dark thoughts for a kid but the dark inspires them.

We do not fear the dark, but what is in it.

But monsters aren't real, right?

(an obnoxiously weird poem from a girl whose afraid to say she's afraid of the dark. and whats in it.)

I'm possible.

Sometimes you're called to suffer for the Lord. Sometimes you need to simply smile and try to get on with life. Sometimes that seems impossible, but NOTHING is impossible! Except perhaps turning into a chicken. Or becoming the President of the USA if you're born in Uzbekistan. But things like being happy, facing people who are terrible, doing things that might make you uncomfortable, or even really scary things, like saying no, standing up for someone or your beliefs, or (at least for me some days) simply getting out of bed and facing the world, are possible.

Impossible
I'm possible.
AND I SHALL FINISH MY COLLEGE APPS LIKE ASAP

LIKE MY PROJECT?

unpopular and fearless clarification.

” I’m catholic, but I don’t agree with their stance on gays!” “I’m catholic, but I don’t believe in their stance on sex!” 

Okay, so could you stop being ignorant for two seconds and LOOK UP WHAT WE BELIEVE AND WHY.

Gays: As Catholics, we love and accept EVERYONE. If you’re judging people and not loving them and respecting their human dignity in any way, its YOU who are not living your faith. We love the gay people. We don’t love gay sex. We don’t love any sex unless its inside a marriage, which we define as between a man and a woman. If i was to go have sex with a guy outside of marriage, I’d be in trouble too. Unfortunately, if you’re gay, you may feel like a life of celibacy is stifling. BUT ITS NOT. God will give you different blessings and gifts besides sex. You just have to pray. 

Sex: As I said before, Sex is great INSIDE marriage. In fact, JPII in the theology of the body talks a lot about how we’re made for it. but you have to pay attention to the fact that sex is a gift of self, which you can only truly give to your spouse after your wedding. otherwise its not a gift of self, its not about love, its about desires that you feel the need to have met. So you’re using the other person. In marriages, sex is only pure if it comes as a gift of self and from a real deep love. So, stop having sex outside marriage and then saying its okay to receive communion and not feel bad about it because its a mortal sin.  

Now, if anyone wants more clarification on the faith and why we believe things on these issues, shoot me a message. 

Thoughts on dating as a Catholic Teen:

Okay. Here's a little background to this post. I'm Catholic(which, if you want, I'll clarify in comments). I believe in modesty, chastity, and putting my faith first. I'm 16 almost 17 and I've been dating for almost 1 1/2 years(in some form or another, it didn't start really counting until last year.

Anyway. I know a lot of parents are very against their children dating. They have rules like "not until you're 16!" "no dating until after college!" Or, as my parents joke, "No dating until you're 25!"(I set that rule myself as a 5 year old, since 25 was clearly the best number). Personally, I think these limits and rules against dating a terrible idea.

My parents used to say 16 is when I could start dating. My mother and I were always close though, and when a boy asked my to be his girlfriend when I was 14 ( seriously, no one just dates anymore!) and I said yes, she didn't break a sweat. Well, she might have, but she coped with it by being closer with me. She knew what was going on, so she trusted me. Turns out I didn't like the boy that much after a few months. But thats not the point of the story! the point is, she trusted me to let me make my own decisions and learn from them. I learned to be more particular about who I date. Another boyfriend taught me to not pretend to be someone I'm not. Another, the wrong type of guy to date and how to handle bad situations. Another, that I can't fix everyone. These seem negative, but they are not if you deal with them positively. I have learned more about myself and how to handle myself through dating than I would have otherwise. Also, dating is for discernment, for getting to find the right person, or for figuring out if marriage is your calling at all.

But darlings, this is about being a CATHOLIC teenager dating. And as a girl, do you know how hard it is to find nice catholic boys with personalities? It's basically impossible. You have to look really hard, and most of them end up going to the seminary, or being ugly( not to be shallow, but when you're 16 it kind of matters) or something ridiculous. And boys who are not nice Catholic boys? You worry whether they're going to accept you with your faith, or whether they're going to pressure you into being impure, or not understand why you can't usually hang out on Sundays. And boys, will it be really masculine for me to be at Adoration a lot? Will she still think i'm hot even though I'm an altar server? Does she expect me to be pushier? Honestly, it can be very stressful. But here's the thing guys/girls, if your faith is first in your life, the right people will find you. People who may not necessarily believe the same as you will respect your dedication. It might even be attractive to them.

Look, don't think that you HAVE to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Don't think you HAVE to even be interested right now. Don't break your parent's rules, DO discuss with them if you meet someone. The thing is, dating is great when you're a teenager. Its fun, and you learn. But never be anything but yourself. Don't feel self conscious telling your "bad boy" boyfriend that you have Mass on Sunday and can't chill. Don't tell your girlfriend that you don't actually wanna go to Adoration, but your mom is making you. Don't make your faith something to be ashamed of. Invite them to come too! My boyfriend of almost a year now is also Catholic( score!) and I go to Masses he serves at, he goes to ones I sing at. He comes to pray the rosary with my family. We go to Holy Hour at the seminary. Its okay for me to say, look, I don't want to do anything physical, and for him to say, thank God, me neither. Its okay to do whatever, because we're ourselves.

Its hard, but keep a hold on your faith. Keep a hold of your morals, and your self. Say no sometimes, be careful, have fun. Make sure you learn. Be good( your future husband will thank you for this)!Just be you. It'll all work out how God plans.

Essay for Ryan.

 “Get out of my dreams!” A little kid with dark hair and braces had come up to me and yelled this at me. He started to get frustrated, and be mad about how I was in his dream and he couldn't get me out, and I had better stay away tonight or else. I apologized, slightly amused and concered. Not really sure why this had happened, I went over to my mom and she explained that that was Ryan Barret. Over the next few weeks, I kind of got used to him coming up and telling me this every once in awhile, it was a little annoying and strange, but I had 2 little brothers, so it wasn’t really that out of the ordinary. While this was going on, he became friends with my brother, Hank.

Honestly, since Hank was about 8, I haven’t ever seen him much happier than those few short months after he and Ryan became friends. Since the two were in the same age group, and did the same stuff, things worked out well. I got a break from Hank, and then he came home and was happy. They played with legos, or joked around or something, I never knew what they did and Hank honestly never really talked about it afterwards, and I don't know if anyone asked him, in an effort not to hurt his feelings. I doubt such an easy and perfect friendship as theirs will ever be replicated.

People often talk about how special and wonderful special needs(autistic, down syndrome, the like) children are. This is true, they're a blessing. They're also stubborn, awkward, a little rude, and they make people uncomfortable, and no matter how much you say you think they're a blessing, it doesn't mean they're perfect. I remember Ryan saying things that didn't make sense and getting upset. I remember one time, my friend and I were in the basement of a friends house and he locked us down there. We yelled for him for 10 minutes to unlock it, uttering all the threats we could think of, and all he did was laugh. After he let us freak out for awhile, he unlocked the door. I'm not saying he was malicious, quite the opposite, this is a boy who would say Mass with sugar cookies all over the house, and play his guitar and sing loudly, and never forget to pray for the boys choir and his friends in it, and who would be kind to babies even though he didn't always get that he had to be gentle with them. I'm just saying that he was a challenge, but the challenge was worth it.

After Ryan's death, we, the teenagers had a lot of problems with guilt. We had loved him, obviously, but we had not loved him enough, or as he deserved to be loved. We had not treated him as we thought he now deserved, for people generally regret their actions after the opportunity to right them is gone. I felt like I had failed as an individual for not appreciating him for all his quirks, for not trying to understand him and just getting frustrated over stupid things. I'm not going to lie and say I instantly started appreciating people and understanding everything they did because of this. I'm not going to say I instantly remembered only the times when Ryan was sweet. I'm also not going to lie and say that Ryan is my only reason for changing and I became instantly and awesome human being. Thats an insult to him, to lie about that. He's affected a lot of people all at different levels and still changes people's hearts today through prayer and his story.

I still work on patience and understanding with kids. I still strive to improve and enjoy people while they're here with me. I still am not always kind and pleasant and appreciative. This makes it sound like I haven't changed at all, which is not the case. I try now, I pray more. I ask Ryan for help with my brother, the Autistic kids in CYO track, for help accepting people for who they are. I ask Ryan for courage to sing confidently at Mass. As time goes on, I'll probably become a better and better person. I pray that Ryan will forgive me for not being able to show him the love he deserved, and that he will ask God to grant me the grace to show other people the love they need.

( I had to write an Essay on a person who has made an impact on my life. For some reason, I felt the need to write about Ryan, who has changed so many lives. Sorry I haven't blogged for awhile)

Summary of my experience at WYD

My WYD experience was, and will be one of the best I could ever have in my life. I feel like God has gotten to sink into the cracks of myself, addressed and soothed my fears and issues, and healed me in ways I can't describe. I feel truly blessed to have gotten to go on this trip and represent my Parish and country, and I feel so on fire with the Holy Spirit, I want to share this with everyone, and come to a deeper understanding myself. This adventure has had a profound effect on me, and I don't want to be the same as I was before, not at all.

P.S, there are three candles lit in Madrid, each with different intentions. Each of these to be prayed for by the people of Madrid, Spain, left there to be taken care of by a universal and powerful God. One of these candles is for you, who read about my trip, and for whoever has listened to me talk about it. Let God fill up your broken spaces, and set you on fire with love for Him, and the whole entire world.

Days 8/9 WYD

August 22nd


This is a quick recap of the day because I'm exhausted:

• 9AM breakfast
• 10 Nap
• 11 Mass
• 12, Mcdonalds for lunch
• 1-7:30, Shopping, tour of St. Isidore's(an incorruptable saint!) 
• 7:30-8:30 Dinner at a restaurant at the plaza. 
• 10:30, icecream run ( I ate an entire pint of Hagendaaz strawberry cheesecake, I have no shame.)
• 12-1, dance party, nbd.

August 23d, last full day


Late night, early morning, Viva Espana!
Breakfast was quick, then a 20 minute Mass, then we met up with another group to finally go to the PRADO! Three tricky ticket terminals later ( say that 5 times fast!) we hopped on and off the Metro, and got in line for the Prado. The wait that at first seemed like it'd take forever went fast. I got in for free(WOOHOO MILITARY ID!) We saw beautiful original artwork by Rubens, Raphael, and a lot of other famous artists, Sculptures, a cloister, lunch. Then we went for icecream/cathedral hopping. We visited Madrid's old cathedral(beautiful) and its new one(strange).

At this point we were all half asleep, and Jessie and I could barely walk because of our legs, and we're hungry. Last Metro trip, then 15 minute walk to this place called Gino's. I had a pizza, it was amazing. Nom. then Hotel, packing, hanging out.

Days 5/6/7 WYD

August 19th


Today we woke up at 8:30, ran to breakfast, grabbed a metro, and were almost late to catechesis. There was an awesome dance party, and amazing amazing talk by Archbishop Dolan, I went to confession with a Canadian priest who gave me much peace, the a beautiful Mass with over 350 priests, 50 bishops, and the archbishop celebrating( We totally freaked out over that because we love him more than the little monsters love Lady Gaga).

Lunch search involved lots of walking, a 30 minute wait at Burger King, a dash through the park, where we helped an Ohioan get her super important pass back! A quick talk with the group, then we left for stations of the cross with our Papa, the Pope. Some Italians directed us there, and other Italians gave us bananas.

Then we watched the most beautiful, moving, tear inducing, easiest to really understand stations of the cross I will ever witness. People from terrible places to be catholic carried the cross at each station, the music was heavenly  and the pope was adorable, as usual. After that we caught the Metro, went to the Italian place, laughed a lot, ate good food. Now its 1:30 AM and we have to be up by 7AM For Mass and the 8 mile hike to campout. Peace!

August 20/21st?


I'm not actually going to write about this day because the only two phrases used by myself were, I'm hungry" and "I'm miserable". There was no sleep and complete disorganization but thats okay! The trip home was crazy too. ANYWAY.

Finally we got to the hotel, grabbed Mcdonalds, showered(YES!) chilled and slept. Then got ready for dinner with our bishop. REAL SPANISH FOOD! I was so tired. THEN WAS THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE TWO DAYS. All of Rockville Diocese started playing Ride the Pony, which is the best and most pointless game ever to exist. People from Spain, Italy, France, all joined in an we played for literally an hour. It will never not be amazing and never will not be one of the best memories ever to exist. Now I'm tired, as I've had 5 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. GOODNIGHT.

WYD Days 3 and 4!

August 17th


Today was a very long day. We woke up at 7:30 after finally getting to sleep around 2, went to breakfast, then took the Metro to the very first day of Catechesis(which I can't spell!)! Catechises was held in a huge indoor stadium, for the english speaking pilgrims. Shortly after they started letting people in, it was so full, with over 12 thousand people, that they were turning others away. Everything was crazy, in the best possible way. The Sisters of Life and Knights of Columbus ran it, and the sisters gave 2 talks, followed by another talk from a Cardinal from Sydney, Australia,  on reason and God and science, which was awesome. After that, we ran out, got lunch at a place caled telepizza, which incidentally, was always out of pizza and gave us sandwiches and water. Then we ran back to the hotel for a bus/walking tour of Avilla!

Our amazing tour guide was named Jerry. We learned the history, landmarks, saints, and art styles in and around Avilla.We toured the Cathedral, the city inside the walls, and the church built on top of St. Teresa's house, where we attended mass. Everything was absolutely breathtaking and I took a lot of pictures. A nap and a bus ride later, We made it back to Madrid just in time for a youth rally, where there was a lot of music and dancing and different flags and talks and people.

P.S Apparently McDonalds closes at 11:30 in Spain. Vips for dinner again. Also, can I mention again how gorgeous the Cathedral was?

August 18th


As I write this(in my journal, not the typed up version people are reading), we're siting on the side of the road, waiting for the pope, whose coming in 3 or 4 hours. Everyone is so excited, you can practically feel it in the very air around us. Also, a group of french boys climbed up in our marvelous shade tree about 8 feet up, and they're now dropping bark on us.

This morning after about 5 1/2 hours of sleep, we had breakfast and went to Catechises late. There was an amazing talk on Chastity and relationships, then a talk by the Bishop of Ontario. Then I almost passed out during Mass, which wasn't too fun. After a terrible lunch, and an overcrowded breakout session, we went to see the pope enter Madrid.

(later on in the evening)
Two crowded Metro stops and changes, 3 backpack chains, one quick turnaround and a patch of ground later, we were at a spot i the fence where we could sort of see the street the pope was to drive down, 5 hours later. Luckily, Spain knows how to party. So we danced, chanted, screamed, took pictures, laughed, yelled for aqua to be sprayed on us, and saw our Papa in the pope mobile, about 10 feet away from us. It was awe-inspiring.

We left shortly after, walked 4 metro stops, packed onto one, met south Koreans whose names are unpronounceable, but who were very cool. Fianlly, a little shopping, and a delicious dinner at an Italian place. Tonight we get to go to bed before 1! WHEEEE!

WYD! intro, flight, first and second days.

Okay, So I've been putting it off, because I hate typing up written things, but here we go. In each post, I'll put one or two entries in my journal about WYD. Hopefully they'll all be done by tonight! Also, forgive the lack of anything fancy or lovely in the writing, I just wanted to jot it all down!

August 14/15th

Got chinese food at the airport, where we chilled for 3 hours, boarded, and sat on the plane for 32 more hours because of delays due to rain. Slept through awful plane dinner, had gross plane breakfast. Landed in Spain 7 hours later, made it through security no problem! At the airport, we directly got onto a sightseeing bus, where we all fell asleep. Before that, I happened to get to see how absolutely lovely everything in Spain is. Its not what you necessarily expect, but the older buildings were just...wow. The hotel is great, my roommate Becky and I have a little balcony, and the only channel in english is CNN, so we leave it on all the time. After we got to the room, we freshened up and went to a restaurant called VIPS for a snack before dinner. Next we went to Mass, then a meeting, and then we finally, at 9:30 we got to go look for food. Around 10, we found a Mcdonalds that would take our meal tickets. nomnomihatemcdonalds. I'm writing this in the hotel room with Becky. We're so exhausted, and I'm going through withdrawal from home/family/phone/friends. Time to sleep, breakfast at 8 tomorrow!

August 16th!


Today is the first official day of WYD, and we were supposed to go to the Prado art museum. Unfortunately, the tour company forgot to give us the passes. So we amused ourselves by wandering around Madrid, learning the Subway, and which flag belonged to what country. I met a ton of people, from South Korea to the Czech Republic. Wherever we walked, people would see our little American flag, and start chanting, " U-S-A! U-S-A!" then everyone would laugh and cheer and we'd find out where they were from.

As we were using meal vouchers, we could only go to specific places to eat. After adding half of the current population of this city in Pilgrims, those places were very, very crowded, lines are long, and people are thirsty/tired/hungry/hot/cranky.So we left the main square on the hugely overcrowded metro and ate VIPS for lunch. After lunch we came to the Hotel to relax for a little bit. Becky and I put on our full pilgrim gear( Yellow hat, orange fan, yellow shirt., colorful backpacks), then off the the welcoming Mass in the square.

While waiting, ( we couldn't see or hear the Mass), we played 10 games of 20 questions, talked to people from Poland, and made friends with Canadians! During the Mass, we tried to follow along as best as possible(P.S, Belgian people literally kiss you on both cheeks at peace) Then we joined the returning throng to go to get food and sleep near the hotel ( it was about 10:30 when we got to a metro with space, the pilgrims were so crowded.) Then the search for food was on! We actually got turned away from a place because they were out of food! Finally, we hit up a sketchy little family owned restaurant  and had a really simple spanish sandwich( which is meat and bread, basically). I'm writing this at 12:30 and I have to get up in 6 hours. peace!

tragedy misery, blahblahblah

Ever since I was very young, I've had this fascination with sadness. In my romanticized version of sadness, the heroines were always beautifully tearful and would have noble missions to overcome their sadness, and the men would undergo great quests with stony expressions and vows of silence or what not. It was all very poetic, an exquisite version of sadness that you really only find in storybooks. But thats what I wanted, or thought would one day happen. I would be an elusive yet beautiful being who was revered and pitied for the terrible things that happened to her, until a handsome prince would come and heal my poor broken heart, and whisk me away to a happier place. Such are the musings of over dramatic  12 year olds who read far too many books.

All the same, its this version of sadness I still picture when people tell me its okay to feel. And as much as I loved the tales of romance and tears, it never seemed to fit me. I could never wallow, or wait. As a girl who loved fairytales, and the princesses, the innocent love stories and sweet daydreams, I've become the opposite. I solve my own problems, and ignore the bad things, because they've happened, what can I do now?

This may seem like a good thing, and in some situations it is. But in real life, you can't be one extreme or the other. If you try, you'll just swing to the other extreme. Life is MESSY. it doesn't make sense. it doesn't follow an outline like Cinderella. It isn't always heartbreaking like the Little Mermaid(the original written version, not disney!), and it isn't always happy, although you may be taught to always be so. Apparently you have to just BE. You feel what you feel without apology.

And maybe what you feel seems like my tragic heroines. Thats okay too.

Be you, do you, do all things you.

"[quoting Marianne Williamson] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. "


When I decided I wanted to get/make a mermaid tail, I got a ton of weird looks, and people teasing me. My best friend (jokingly, but still) my mother, my friends, family, everyone. But I still wanted to do it and I stuck with it, and made a mermaid tail. People still giggled. Next step was swimming in it. It must have been funny to watch me learn to do that, but still, I decided not to care what people said about that.


Now I started talking about the tail more, and showing it to people. Instead of people giggling at me for wanting to be a mermaid, I got a ton of messages about how cool it is from people I didn't even know, and how much they admired me for going in public with it and not caring what people thought.


Do you realize that you really could ASTONISH yourself and others if you just did what you wanted without listening to what others thought? that you could make peoples days, and inspire them to do similar things? Why do we insist on constantly doing what society deems "normal"? Is it that strange and terrifying to step out of our shells and be who we really are?


One of my favorite books is by Jerry Spinelli, its called Stargirl. This has something to do with this post because Stargirl, the main character in the book, is who we would be if we didn't limit ourselves, if we were not afraid to push away society. So I'll close with this quote, and hope that maybe one day, you can find the courage to be yourself, fully.


"She laughed when there was no joke. She danced when there was no music.
She had no friends, yet she was the friendliest person in school.
In her answers in class, she often spoke of sea horses and stars, but she did not know what a football was...
She was elusive. She was today. She was tomorrow. She was the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We did not know what to make of her. In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew." 

Beached mermaid

So today I took my tail to the beach to try it in the ocean (I couldnt swim in it in the ocean, almost got pulled out, but nbd.)

and then I sat on the beach. Little girls came up to me, and asked me about being a mermaid, parents took pictures of me, preteen boys came and asked me if I was real, and took pictures. I told everyone who asked where I got my tail I was born with it, and then, since I didn’t want to ruin the illusion for the little girls(they seriously honestly believed me) I scooted up the beach on my arms to our towels, where I slithered out of the tail underneath a blanket, and then ran off the beach. It was so awesome.

I love people. 

night time bike ride

I really like riding my bike. I love the way the road disappears under my tires, the feel of my muscles straining to push the pedal around and around. It makes me feel calmer, takes out my aggression, and gives me a sense of control. Generally, on my bike rides, the sun is up, and shining, and I'm on my way to do something productive( aka library trip/thriftshop trip/7/11 run, basically nothing productive.) But tonight I went at night. Because at night, everything is so much more real, and all your senses are heightened. I went with no goal or destination or anything.

Its funny, because in the day, you think everything is more awake and alive and active, and the night is sleepy and creepy, a time for ghosts and things that jump out from behind buildings screaming "BOO!". In reality, night is so much more friendly. Its peaceful, and quiet at first, but don't let that fool you. When you listen carefully, and open your eyes, its so full of life and noises and sights and feelings. The cool air, frogs hopping all over the street, snail trails  in moonlight, shimmering as if to tempt you to follow them. The noises of crickets break the otherwise eerie silence, and make the night welcoming, chirping in a chorus as if to tell all of the silly humans that they don't need our attention to put on a marvelous show.

And then, you look up.You're allowed to do that at night, as the sky is much kinder to your eyes after the sun goes away. The stars will catch your interest, sparkling and twinkling, or shining constantly down on you. Make a wish, look for shapes, shooting stars, fireflies. Then look to the moon.  The moon changes every day, sometimes less, sometimes more, sometimes completely gone, sometimes a full, pale, silvery circle hanging n the sky. There's a bunny in the moon, see if you can make it out. Or a man. Use your imagination.

Welcome the night. Its enchanted to meet you.

Bullying.

Okay, so I need to discuss something.

I used to know this group of girls when I was younger. When I was nicer, more trusting, more insecure and awkward. These girls seemed to find that being mean to me because I was homeschooled and awkward and actually did my best and tried, was funny. Anything I did, they'd point out in cruelest way, and I, not knowing what I did to them to make them dislike me, would go home crying. They'd make fun of me for that too. I was not a graceful transition from adorable child to acceptable teenager/young adult. I wasn't socially awkward, I was just nice to people, whether or not they liked me, whether or not they had any other friends.

My mom used to tell me that they were just jealous, or that they must have had a bad day, or something like that. She used to say I'd feel better and they'd be nice later. And I kept hoping they would. I tried every day, to be nice, give out more chances, not cry before I got in the car. But they'd always find something (My feet, my braces, my hair, my homeschool-ness, the fact that I wouldn't gossip, I liked books, whatever) or do something just to make me unhappy or uncomfortable. This happened several times a week, for 3 years. Three years I cried so much, and lost little pieces of myself to their teasing, pieces that were very hard to get back.

People always tell you, "It'll get better!", or "You'll learn how to deal with it!" Neither of these are true. Those people, those bullies, may never get better. And its not your job to learn how to deal with it. You just have to get through it, and keep being yourself. One day you'll leave them, as they fake their way through life, tearing down other people because they don't like themselves. You, on the other hand, will be so much better than that, because you'll do what makes you happy.

I saw some of these girls a few weeks ago for the first time in 4 years. I'm not as awkward now, I've become myself again. It was funny, at first they didn't even recognize me. When they did, the looks they shot me could have killed. But I didn't care, not at all.

"After all this time?"

"Always."
Okay, so I don't generally like Alan Rickman, who plays Snape in the Harry Potter movies. His voice just really makes me irritated( I have this thing with voices, some I really like, and some have tthat quality I just have to deem atrocious.) I remember one time I was listening to a book read by him and I never liked it after that because of his voice. BUT.

HE WAS SO GOOD IN THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE I ALMOST COMPLETELY FORGAVE HIM FOR HIS ANNOYING VOICE. Seriously, it was probably one of the most heartfelt, real performances I've ever seen in a movie. it broke my heart to watch it, and yet I want to see it over and over again.

anyone wanna get me the movie as soon as it comes out/take me to see it again?


Anyone wanna bring me more Snickers ice cream bars? I ate an entire pack over two days.




Biked 19 miles, taught a swim lesson, cleaned half my house, tanned my stomach a shade darker than blinding white, ate Snickers icecream bars. SUCCESSFUL DAY.

ocean.

Rushing swirling crazy twirling.
Ducking laughing screaming diving
whoosh, crash, boom, splash.
pulls you under, water blue, water green, sand, shells, crabs, feet.
Nature is stronger than you think.
Screams of fear, terror, delight?
Exhilarated to win this small fight.
Spin, stuck, trapped, safe,
Nature is stronger than you think.
Playing on the oceans edge, who are we fooling?
Danger is even here, lurking.
I love the thrill of the water.
Nature is stronger than you think.

Thoughts from Places.

As I went on my rides with a bike stolen/borrowed from my cousin, I kept thinking about my mom, and her life there before me.
I went past the church where she was baptized, confirmed, married; where she was in weddings, and cried at funerals. I went past the cemetery where she watched her dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles be buried, where they would go from being pieces of her to some dusty old bones buried 6 feet under ground. I went past her high school and elementary school, where she grew up and learned about math and english, friends, rumors, boys. I met her friends from her “past life”, apparently my mother and I could have been twins.
I wonder if when she was growing up, she was like me. If she was trying to do that right thing, held back her tears too often, had inflated opinions of herself, worried about her future, laughed easily, read too many books, and wanted someone to need her?
Norwalk is small, one of the million little towns in America. It has 5  churches(I counted), a Firelands bank(called firelands because the land here was given to people from Connecticut whose homes were burned down by fire during a war.), small businesses, homes, families, schools, hair salons, moms, dads, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, pets. Everyone knows everyone, their history, business, secrets. Everyone has things to deal with, and a life to live.
Its different there. People say hello, and make a conversation when they sit on their front porch, whether or not they know you. Their “traffic” is when instead of being the only car at a light, there are 3. The closest anything is 25 miles away. People are content though, with small things and big hearts. They take care of each other. My mother is like that in every place we’ve lived. Maybe she learned it there. Maybe I’m like her in that respect too.


lovelovelove,
hanhan

outside.present.here.

Today I went outside.

I heard: the rain, dripping off trees, down the drain, on the grass. My sisters talking about lacrosse and blueberries. My neighbors yelling in their garage.

I saw: Towels draped over the railing, the way my dad hates, Wet tress, wet cars, my baby sister with her baby stroller, blonde hair sparkling because of the rain caught in her unbrushed wild strands.

I tasted: Coffee on my tongue from earlier, its sweet, carmel, bitter aftertaste haunting my mouth like an unhappy ghost.

I smelled: wet grass, the smell of a storm, which is dangerous and yet remarkably peaceful, salty beach smells, coffee on my breath, the clean smell of everything that happens after/during rain.

I felt: damp all over, moisture on my skin and clothes. The weave of my chair on my calves and back and shoulders, a stretch in my hip and side, my phone vibrating in my life, pen solid in between three fingers, notebook, flimsy, metal spirals hard, digging grooves into my hand, paper smooth and comforting and safe.


Go outside and really be present.
Write me on of these in the comments!
Love,
hanhan <3