please.

I tend to think about the past a lot. Things that happened, good and bad, mostly bad. I try to figure out what I could have done better or different. I imagine what my life would be like now if I had said this, or not said that, if I had done this differently, or not even considered doing that. In case anyone is curious, this is an awful game to play with your memories, manipulating them into something that you would have wanted now.

I've been playing this game a lot lately, and being really anti-social and locking myself in my room all alone for the past few days. My mom is getting worried, but I don't care because I'm still trying to play this game with myself. When I hide, I have the most perfect life imaginable. I've done everything right, everyone still likes me, I'm loved by all these people, I'm beautiful, I'm really smart, I get good grades, and I'm thinking about expensive colleges that would take me on a full scholarship. I realize that this is crazy.

Dreaming, day-dreaming, re-imagining your life can make everything else seem to suck. The reality of my life lately is not the perfect one I laid out in the above paragraph. The reality is that I'm waiting, holding onto the hope that someone will pull me up and out of this. I've lain in my bed for the past few days, and just stared at my phone, waiting for someone to care enough about me to want to say hi, and drag me out of my house.

I don't like to be dependant on other people. But I need to be. I need to be loved, I need to be cared about, I need to be payed attention to. I'm sorry I'm so needy, but it happens sometimes. Anyway, this counts as a blog update. Enjoy. =.=

Love from hanhan.