Essay for Ryan.

 “Get out of my dreams!” A little kid with dark hair and braces had come up to me and yelled this at me. He started to get frustrated, and be mad about how I was in his dream and he couldn't get me out, and I had better stay away tonight or else. I apologized, slightly amused and concered. Not really sure why this had happened, I went over to my mom and she explained that that was Ryan Barret. Over the next few weeks, I kind of got used to him coming up and telling me this every once in awhile, it was a little annoying and strange, but I had 2 little brothers, so it wasn’t really that out of the ordinary. While this was going on, he became friends with my brother, Hank.

Honestly, since Hank was about 8, I haven’t ever seen him much happier than those few short months after he and Ryan became friends. Since the two were in the same age group, and did the same stuff, things worked out well. I got a break from Hank, and then he came home and was happy. They played with legos, or joked around or something, I never knew what they did and Hank honestly never really talked about it afterwards, and I don't know if anyone asked him, in an effort not to hurt his feelings. I doubt such an easy and perfect friendship as theirs will ever be replicated.

People often talk about how special and wonderful special needs(autistic, down syndrome, the like) children are. This is true, they're a blessing. They're also stubborn, awkward, a little rude, and they make people uncomfortable, and no matter how much you say you think they're a blessing, it doesn't mean they're perfect. I remember Ryan saying things that didn't make sense and getting upset. I remember one time, my friend and I were in the basement of a friends house and he locked us down there. We yelled for him for 10 minutes to unlock it, uttering all the threats we could think of, and all he did was laugh. After he let us freak out for awhile, he unlocked the door. I'm not saying he was malicious, quite the opposite, this is a boy who would say Mass with sugar cookies all over the house, and play his guitar and sing loudly, and never forget to pray for the boys choir and his friends in it, and who would be kind to babies even though he didn't always get that he had to be gentle with them. I'm just saying that he was a challenge, but the challenge was worth it.

After Ryan's death, we, the teenagers had a lot of problems with guilt. We had loved him, obviously, but we had not loved him enough, or as he deserved to be loved. We had not treated him as we thought he now deserved, for people generally regret their actions after the opportunity to right them is gone. I felt like I had failed as an individual for not appreciating him for all his quirks, for not trying to understand him and just getting frustrated over stupid things. I'm not going to lie and say I instantly started appreciating people and understanding everything they did because of this. I'm not going to say I instantly remembered only the times when Ryan was sweet. I'm also not going to lie and say that Ryan is my only reason for changing and I became instantly and awesome human being. Thats an insult to him, to lie about that. He's affected a lot of people all at different levels and still changes people's hearts today through prayer and his story.

I still work on patience and understanding with kids. I still strive to improve and enjoy people while they're here with me. I still am not always kind and pleasant and appreciative. This makes it sound like I haven't changed at all, which is not the case. I try now, I pray more. I ask Ryan for help with my brother, the Autistic kids in CYO track, for help accepting people for who they are. I ask Ryan for courage to sing confidently at Mass. As time goes on, I'll probably become a better and better person. I pray that Ryan will forgive me for not being able to show him the love he deserved, and that he will ask God to grant me the grace to show other people the love they need.

( I had to write an Essay on a person who has made an impact on my life. For some reason, I felt the need to write about Ryan, who has changed so many lives. Sorry I haven't blogged for awhile)